Ok, what I was going to say first… Then I had something funny but I don’t remember anymore I had an earthquake in my personal space, and although everything is perfectly where it was it feels like one big mess I have to clean all over. And just yesterday I managed to get my thoughts under control and leave the ‘shiny’ ones out but now they’re gonna have to go invisible again. And I’m tired of hiding my values just because the time and place is not right and something can happen to (…) But maybe that’s way it has to happen and afterwards I won’t have to hide ever again; I’m not scared anymore, just sad. Not sure which is worst. scared you can hug and fear goes away, sad you can hug and tears keep flowing.

You know, anytime I manage to pull myself back together, which is especially hard for me with the mental disorders that I have, like OCD not to mention others. I’m proud of myself when I do it, and then I feel ready, ready to live not under cover, to be me, to do what I enjoy, learn things, explore. Unfortunately that never lasts too long, shortly after I get a invisible hammer, it’s not heavy, but when it hits you everything in your head flies, and then I try to catch them thoughts not to lose them but I only manage few, the rest is always to rebuild.

Now I finally feel I understood my flaws and I feel free, calm. I fought so much in life, wanting to get one, I was just surviving one day after another. Now I still have to survive but I’m ready to live too. In November last year I realised something as a result of my another stupidity, and decided, it’s time to stop crying over myself and last chance to pursue my dreams. Of course it wasn’t easy, after a while doing it alone I thought I cannot anymore, I wanted to stop for good. But I was real in my feelings however I got scared. I thought I can’t make it alone. And then a miracle happened, I’ve gone reckless again, this time from fear, and maybe that’s why I was saved. God didn’t let me turn back, instead showed me how can I go further. I am still very unstable with my thoughts, this time though I fight with myself and I’m winning.