Self reflection

Ok, what I was going to say first… Then I had something funny but I don’t remember anymore I had an earthquake in my personal space, and although everything is perfectly where it was it feels like one big mess I have to clean all over. And just yesterday I managed to get my thoughts under control and leave the ‘shiny’ ones out but now they’re gonna have to go invisible again. And I’m tired of hiding my values just because the time and place is not right and something can happen to (…) But maybe that’s way it has to happen and afterwards I won’t have to hide ever again; I’m not scared anymore, just sad. Not sure which is worst. scared you can hug and fear goes away, sad you can hug and tears keep flowing.

You know, anytime I manage to pull myself back together, which is especially hard for me with the mental disorders that I have, like OCD not to mention others. I’m proud of myself when I do it, and then I feel ready, ready to live not under cover, to be me, to do what I enjoy, learn things, explore. Unfortunately that never lasts too long, shortly after I get a invisible hammer, it’s not heavy, but when it hits you everything in your head flies, and then I try to catch them thoughts not to lose them but I only manage few, the rest is always to rebuild.

Now I finally feel I understood my flaws and I feel free, calm. I fought so much in life, wanting to get one, I was just surviving one day after another. Now I still have to survive but I’m ready to live too. In November last year I realised something as a result of my another stupidity, and decided, it’s time to stop crying over myself and last chance to pursue my dreams. Of course it wasn’t easy, after a while doing it alone I thought I cannot anymore, I wanted to stop for good. But I was real in my feelings however I got scared. I thought I can’t make it alone. And then a miracle happened, I’ve gone reckless again, this time from fear, and maybe that’s why I was saved. God didn’t let me turn back, instead showed me how can I go further. I am still very unstable with my thoughts, this time though I fight with myself and I’m winning.

Glass is broken

 I promise I will never be sad again
 And this ragged from me canvas
 It will stay away somewhere
 My desires will flow ...
 I don’t want a lover anymore
 Because like a broken glass
 Bubble soap
 The only thing beautiful has it is beautiful wings
 I'm not doing anything
 Because everything is a trick
 And my power
 It will flow into this night
 And he will cover everything like a golden blanket
 I am in despair of distress
 Maybe someone will see it?
 Maybe will me help a little
 And I will see gold aurora
 I would like to fly to the clouds
 Find a bag full of dreams
 Sprinkle them
 So it never again will be bad
 Never cry again
 Never hesitate

Dead

 My dreams are closed in a golden casket
 I will drink what is in the golden ampoule 
 I will die fast 
 Very quietly 
 I will disappear from your side
 In copper plasma
 First I settle my affairs 
 And look at the agave flowers 
 I will correct my mistakes 
 You won’t see me again 
 I will try again, maybe I will succeed 
 Despite what people call hypocrisy
 Help yourself 
 Like for a small decoration
 I will fight with you 
 By my matters 
 Because it's important to me 
 For you also serious 
 You’ll listen to me 
 What you want you’ll fake
 But fulfill 
 What I want , for my life

Untitled 3

 I want to have someone 
 Who won’t show me what hostility is
 Who will love me 
 Who I can talk about in a dreams
 Someone’s good
 To me nice
 Who I’ll be attracted to
 Always and everywhere 
 Someone who I miss 
 Who I dream about and think about

Untitled 2

 And when among the birds I glide
 I paint dreams in the sky
 I'm still afraid
 You killed me
 I still fight
 It's all bakes
 I suffer this pain
 Although it hurts like rain
 I won’t let you defeat me
 I don’t want to die here
 I don’t know what to think
 To something smart invent 
 I don’t know what to write
 To look after my reputation
 I don’t know what to say
 So I don’t lose sense

Scented flowers

1.      The clouds are in the sky 
 Have beautiful shapes 
 Sky is blue 
 The stars give us a goal 
Choirs:  
 Trees painted 
 And pine and spruce 
 For man, God gave that 
 And I'm looking at it  
2.      Why can not I 
 Fly through this world 
 Sweet and carefree 
 Like this lily flower  
Choirs:  
 Regret and pain gilled 
 Hate games 
 What purpose God gave
 I will destroy it all 
3.      I do not understand, I sough 
 In the crowd ... 
 I'm picking up for flight – 
 myself... 
 And so I fall down

There is still a chance

After a long consideration he finally opened the door. The one he have been always looking, and always scared to see what’s behind it.
He has seen a lot of his old toys and his mother’s dresses…
Pair of shoes which he seen on picture from his mother’s first date.
And a little box, whole in colors. He sat down, opened the box and dived in memories…
…when he was a boy running around his house with his cousins.
…when he felt in love for the first time with Kate.
…when he was a best student of the year in high school.
…what ambitions he had.
            And now he’s forty, he has a wife, tow children, boring life where ever day looks the same.
“Nick! What the hell is wrong with you?!” – said a voice in his head.
“I need to start to live, I need to do something, life didn’t just finish.! He said.
            Nick sat down on the computer, started to look for property’ somewhere abroad. Then heard someone came home…
–          Honey, pack up! – Nick said
–          Honey? Oh thank you Nick. You never was so nice to me, what happened?
–          John?!
–          Yeah hun, just came to see how you are. Janet is not coming by the way, she’s totally upset with you.
–          What?! Why?!
–          I’m joking, don’t worry. What’s u with you man? You charmed or something?
–          Kind of.
Nick came back to what he was doing, after some time he heard that someone is behind his back, and a voice “What you’re doing? Why are you looking for primary schools in Los Angeles?
He turned around all smiling. “You’re smiling…”, she said. Nick explained to her what happened in the morning, that made him feel like that and what he’s planning to do now. Janet didn’t know what to say, but she was happy.
            They lived in a small town next to Oxford in England. Was very quiet there and everyone knew about each other. Nick grew up there, when he was a little boy he loved that town. But he had a dream that after University he’ll go to live in a big city, and will be going forward with life.
            Fact’s was that in uni he met Janet, when they married the were a little undecided where to live so thought they could live for some time with Nick’s parents and will move when they will choose where to go. But it happened totally different. They’re both over forty and still here, so it is time to change that!
            They sat on the computer together and started to look for properties in Los Angeles. Finally after few hours nick fond an ideal hose, like the one he was always dreaming of, in a perfect location – near to school, good area, local shops.
            When children came from school, Janet and Nick said to them their idea which was great and the girls were happy. Whole family had a nice dinner that night and started packing first thing in the morning.
            When Nick have been arranging accommodation for the time till they will buy the hose, Janet booked tickets for four people for the next available flight, which was in three days. When the time came, Nick, Janet, Nicole and Jo said goodbye to everyone, took a taxi and went to the airport. Stuff from their house have been travelling n the ground in a special car. When they arrived, saw the city, saw the place, saw the people – they felt happiest ever.

                        And life starts again…
            Nick got a good job and been keeping himself active and busy all the time, but always had time for his family. Janet has been decorating their new house and looking after everything; the neighborhood was very friendly. She gained couple of good friends who could she always talk to, and after sometime she got herself a job in a local store.
            Nicole and Jo met their new friends, started doing a lot of sports, this time there was time and place for it, and they were happy meeting cute boys who they could hang out with.
            Everything was better and better everyday.

That’s a start!

So I couldn’t resist today, I was going to wait until I finish rewriting my poetry and be ready to publish it. It’s not done yet, but I hope soon, but anyway… Opened my second facebook to be able to post silly things when I feel like and not be afraid of being taken as a wirdo, as I thought this was happening before and while going trough hard time those people who changed me even turned around and who were they??? Good friends, or were they good? They were close, or closed I can’t remember.

At the end of November last year I had that one of my awful days, but on that day my eyes weren’t closed anymore, I could see and not only myself but also the surroundings and notice, what is happening. Since then I thought I’m gonna stop pretending to be living and using poor excuses such as nothing is working out for anyone. I did want to get further with my life but I had no push, no encouragement. And then it’s like my eyes just wide opened, in one second, and didn’t close since.

Always I had list of my hobbies, interests, things I want to do, want to have… But that list was just lying there, I had no time. This time, this one, I gone home and made a very ordered plan, the things I need to be doing and the things for which I have to have time as they aren’t going to do anything amazing in with my life, however they can do amazing things with me and my soul. That’s the greatest thing one can do for self, it certainly increases self confidence – developing yourself in what you’re enjoying because you feel you’re good at that.

So as usual after third paragraph I got lost and can’t carry on writing, but I still think the post looks longer to what I could have write before and this time I’ve got distracted my some talkins to me and of course as every one of us I have attention for 10 things at once, and believe me, you can’t fight it. The things in your life you give the attention to, the things you want, you like, you dream of – doesn’t matter how far apart they are, or rather you see them, the longer you’re involved, the more connections you will see and more comfortable will feel.