Ok,
what I was going to say first… Then I had something funny but I
don’t remember anymore I had an earthquake in my personal space, and
although everything is perfectly where it was it feels like one big
mess I have to clean all over. And just yesterday I managed to get my
thoughts under control and leave the ‘shiny’ ones out but now they’re
gonna have to go invisible again. And I’m tired of hiding my values
just because the time and place is not right and something can happen
to (…) But maybe that’s way it has to happen and afterwards I won’t
have to hide ever again; I’m not scared anymore, just sad. Not sure
which is worst. scared you can hug and fear goes away, sad you can
hug and tears keep flowing.
You
know, anytime I manage to pull myself back together, which is
especially hard for me with the mental disorders that I have, like
OCD not to mention others. I’m proud of myself when I do it, and then
I feel ready, ready to live not under cover, to be me, to do what I
enjoy, learn things, explore. Unfortunately that never lasts too
long, shortly after I get a invisible hammer, it’s not heavy, but
when it hits you everything in your head flies, and then I try to
catch them thoughts not to lose them but I only manage few, the rest
is always to rebuild.
Now
I finally feel I understood my flaws and I feel free, calm. I fought
so much in life, wanting to get one, I was just surviving one day
after another. Now I still have to survive but I’m ready to live too.
In November last year I realised something as a result of my another
stupidity, and decided, it’s time to stop crying over myself and last
chance to pursue my dreams. Of course it wasn’t easy, after a while
doing it alone I thought I cannot anymore, I wanted to stop for good.
But I was real in my feelings however I got scared. I thought I can’t
make it alone. And then a miracle happened, I’ve gone reckless again,
this time from fear, and maybe that’s why I was saved. God didn’t let
me turn back, instead showed me how can I go further. I am still very
unstable with my thoughts, this time though I fight with myself and
I’m winning.
I would like to explore here my writing; at the age of 14 I had a car accident, pretty serious and afterwards I was stuck firmly at home for a few good months. I had to kill my time with something I started reading books and really fell in love with Shakespeare's writing so much at at one point I thought I want to be able to do that to, to explore myself in literature.
I listened to specific music too, I mean I had one band I loved, the songs were written by the leader and were written based on his feelings and life. Like a short and easy expression of a big piece of time; I had so much to say too and poems were ideal. Afterwards I started writing more and trying a bit longer pieces but wasn't so confident in it, also my life wasn't really stabilized so it wasn't in favor to my writing. I have woken up from the bad dream now, I'm working hard on leaving it behind trying to make strong and firm steps from now on.
I must admit I was lost in my grown up life and had a difficulty choosing the right path for myself. Since I could speak properly and understand things I loved art in all its forms and I liked the beauty and art of writing in order to show the importance of the piece being talked about. Funny enough I wanted to write children's books when I grow up!
Anyway going to talk about who I've become, no one yet, I wanted to write and I wanted to explore art and it's history - to understand it. But I didn't think that trough and chose too obvious things for learning that actually didn't help me understand what I want nor perform my actions in the way I chose. In my past years many things happened, too much for me to handle that I started being afraid of myself and my personality became very weak too.
In the past year I tried really hard to put life back on the tracks but I was still weak in my moves and the fear was killing me. Until a month ago something happened, like somebody poked me in the head to shake it and made me see, made me realize I don't want to live like that anymore, I don't want to weight for luck and something good to happened and wonder all the time if I'm going to make. This life is not for me, I used to be different and the person I've become was someone I always felt sorry for, I was really ashamed of myself. From that moment I turned my life around, I started making actions opposite to what I have been doing to that day, not being afraid I may not make it. But knowing that if I won't make this one I will make the other, I wasn't worrying anymore what will I do when I get rejected but planning the plan B, thinking further and next.
It's 30th December 2018 and I carry on my positivity, not thinking of anything going wrong but just doing the things on my list to my way to success and happiness. Finally, I am not afraid of myself anymore, I started to feel happy just from the sun coming up.
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