So I couldn’t resist today, I was going to wait until I finish rewriting my poetry and be ready to publish it. It’s not done yet, but I hope soon, but anyway… Opened my second facebook to be able to post silly things when I feel like and not be afraid of being taken as a wirdo, as I thought this was happening before and while going trough hard time those people who changed me even turned around and who were they??? Good friends, or were they good? They were close, or closed I can’t remember.
At the end of November last year I had that one of my awful days, but on that day my eyes weren’t closed anymore, I could see and not only myself but also the surroundings and notice, what is happening. Since then I thought I’m gonna stop pretending to be living and using poor excuses such as nothing is working out for anyone. I did want to get further with my life but I had no push, no encouragement. And then it’s like my eyes just wide opened, in one second, and didn’t close since.
Always I had list of my hobbies, interests, things I want to do, want to have… But that list was just lying there, I had no time. This time, this one, I gone home and made a very ordered plan, the things I need to be doing and the things for which I have to have time as they aren’t going to do anything amazing in with my life, however they can do amazing things with me and my soul. That’s the greatest thing one can do for self, it certainly increases self confidence – developing yourself in what you’re enjoying because you feel you’re good at that.
So as usual after third paragraph I got lost and can’t carry on writing, but I still think the post looks longer to what I could have write before and this time I’ve got distracted my some talkins to me and of course as every one of us I have attention for 10 things at once, and believe me, you can’t fight it. The things in your life you give the attention to, the things you want, you like, you dream of – doesn’t matter how far apart they are, or rather you see them, the longer you’re involved, the more connections you will see and more comfortable will feel.
I would like to explore here my writing; at the age of 14 I had a car accident, pretty serious and afterwards I was stuck firmly at home for a few good months. I had to kill my time with something I started reading books and really fell in love with Shakespeare's writing so much at at one point I thought I want to be able to do that to, to explore myself in literature.
I listened to specific music too, I mean I had one band I loved, the songs were written by the leader and were written based on his feelings and life. Like a short and easy expression of a big piece of time; I had so much to say too and poems were ideal. Afterwards I started writing more and trying a bit longer pieces but wasn't so confident in it, also my life wasn't really stabilized so it wasn't in favor to my writing. I have woken up from the bad dream now, I'm working hard on leaving it behind trying to make strong and firm steps from now on.
I must admit I was lost in my grown up life and had a difficulty choosing the right path for myself. Since I could speak properly and understand things I loved art in all its forms and I liked the beauty and art of writing in order to show the importance of the piece being talked about. Funny enough I wanted to write children's books when I grow up!
Anyway going to talk about who I've become, no one yet, I wanted to write and I wanted to explore art and it's history - to understand it. But I didn't think that trough and chose too obvious things for learning that actually didn't help me understand what I want nor perform my actions in the way I chose. In my past years many things happened, too much for me to handle that I started being afraid of myself and my personality became very weak too.
In the past year I tried really hard to put life back on the tracks but I was still weak in my moves and the fear was killing me. Until a month ago something happened, like somebody poked me in the head to shake it and made me see, made me realize I don't want to live like that anymore, I don't want to weight for luck and something good to happened and wonder all the time if I'm going to make. This life is not for me, I used to be different and the person I've become was someone I always felt sorry for, I was really ashamed of myself. From that moment I turned my life around, I started making actions opposite to what I have been doing to that day, not being afraid I may not make it. But knowing that if I won't make this one I will make the other, I wasn't worrying anymore what will I do when I get rejected but planning the plan B, thinking further and next.
It's 30th December 2018 and I carry on my positivity, not thinking of anything going wrong but just doing the things on my list to my way to success and happiness. Finally, I am not afraid of myself anymore, I started to feel happy just from the sun coming up.
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